4 Reasons Your Child Isn't Playing Independently
When it comes to play, one of the questions I get asked the most is, ‘why won’t my child play independently?’ It is a real source of anxiety and concern because it also adds to the parental load.
Let me offer just a little bit of reassurance. Your child is definitely capable of playing independently, but they may just need a little time and encouragement first.
A Note On Independent Play Times:
Before we begin, It’s worth noting how incredibly short independent play times really are.
On average, it’s just 2-5 minutes per year of age:
Before you despair though, the tips below will definitely help you when it comes to extending play times!
1. Lack Of Open-Ended Toys In The Play Space
One of the reasons your child might not be playing independently is because they are a little bored by their toys! Try to ensure that at least 70% of the toys in the play area are open-ended. Simply put, this means toys that can be played with in multiple ways.
These are the toys that can grow with your child too – wooden blocks are a good example here as there are just so many possibilities for play!
You can read more about our favourite open-ended toys here.
Try setting up a play invitation with 2-3 of your child’s toys to help prompt them to play. If your child isn’t used to playing independently then this is a good way to show them new ways to play.
This can be as simple as adding some wooden blocks to an acrylic mirror or beginning a train track. You can read more about play invitations here.
2. There Isn’t Enough Time Dedicated To Free-Play
One of the common problems with modern parenting is the misconception that we have to turn ourselves into 24/7 child entertainers in order to be ‘good’ parents.
Instagram and Pinterest can certainly help us to get ideas and inspiration for our children, but it can also make us feel like we always have to be doing something WITH our children when in reality, playing independently (and without us) is crucial for their development.
Establishing a simple daily rhythm with plenty of opportunities for free, independent play will help to get your child playing independently. This is because they will begin to understand that they will be able to really get into play instead of being interrupted to go and do a planned activity!
3. You Give Too Many Directions On How They Should Play
Is it good to sit down and play with your child? Yes, absolutely – it’s a great cup-filling activity. But if you are constantly interrupting the flow of play and telling them how they should do it, they are going to be put off from playing independently!
A much better approach in the toddler years is to sit side-by-side. Grab some toys from the play space and do your own thing: they may join in, they might not!
By the time your child reaches the preschool years, they are likely to be much more into imaginary play. With my daughter (5), she takes on the role of director and I take her lead. Right now she loves to re-enact school. Typically she wants me to be the teacher and she is the children.
Another easy switch you can make is to keep planned activities really simple and open-ended. I post daily activities over on Pinterest – come and follow me there!
4. There Has Been A Change In Routine And They Need Reassurance
Upheaval and changes in routine can leave our children needing reassurance.
If they can’t verbalise this yet, they are more likely to want to stick close to us. If you think your child might be anxious, Dr Kelly Fradin wrote a guest post about anxiety in children, which you can read here.
Another reason that you child might not be playing independently could be as simple as a change of routine. This actually happened to us recently when my 5 year-old daughter went back to school after the end of lockdown. Whilst she has adjusted to this change absolutely fine, my youngest son (3 at the time) really struggled with the loss of his play buddy.
Here’s what I did to get him playing independently again:
I made sure that they play space primarily catered to his interests and developmental stage
I adopted a new daily rhythm so he got used to the times I could play and when I needed to get on with other tasks
I set up play invitations and sat with him (side by side) before going to make a cup of tea. I then started to extend this to longer tasks – fast-forward a few weeks and i’m now able to write this blog post whilst he plays independently in the background!
We got outside plenty. He is a very active child, so we spend a lot of time running around at the park or up in our roof garden.
Final Thoughts
When it comes to independent play, it’s important to give things time. Your child won’t go from spending no time playing independently to two hours overnight.
Take a look at the suggestions above, then pinpoint what you need to focus on first.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please respond below or simply hit the '❤️’ button.
Share this article with a friend
If you’re not yet a subscriber, consider joining us as part of the free or paid program.
If you’re already subscribed, please share my page with your friends and family. This article is free to all subscribers and so they will be able to access it immediately:
Substack is now available in app form!
I have to admit, I was unreasonably excited when Substack announced the launch of their android app this month. Whilst it’s been on IOS for a while, as a Google Pixel user, I was eager to test out the app for myself to see what the user experience was like.
One of the main reasons I launched my Substack page last month was because I wanted to write about play and raising children in the early years with fewer distractions from social media apps. Whilst I fully appreciate that Instagram is a free resource for me to use, having to perform for social media can get pretty tiresome.
Here I can write detailed posts that go direct to you as a subscriber. It’s easy for me to write detailed posts and add printable resources for you to use without you being redirected to another page. I don’t have to worry about the algorithm controlling who sees my content and you get to see what you’ve signed up for.
The app is free and available to everyone (whether a free or paid subscriber). You can find out more below.